I have no idea where to start with this whole blog thing! It’s more for me to write down about my experiences as part of my counselling and maybe hopefully somebody might read it that experiences the same as me so then they might feel a little less alone. I’d love to be able to have people reach out to me through this and get to know new people who also suffer from anxiety and aspergers because I know first hand how lonely it can feel sometimes.
I’ve had a tough week this week but I hate telling people around me when I’m feeling anxious as it makes me feel weak and useless. I mean come on who is scared of people! All the hundreds of other things in the world to be scared of and I’m scared of something that you have to deal with on a daily basis.
On the aspergers side I struggle when it comes to loud noises. It’s hard to explain but clapping, screaming, car horns anything like that and I can instantly start to panic. It’s not something I can control. Tonight when I was getting the kids ready for bed they were being crazy and if you know my kids you would know they don’t do crazy by half’s! They were running around squealing, having fun but being so loud, I love seeing them so happy playing together just loving being kids but I had to step into the other room and cover my ears, take some deep breaths and recompose myself as the noise was getting to me. I don’t think anybody understands how hard that is and how much of a bad Mum it makes me feel like. My own babies who I love more than anything bringing me to the edge of a panic attack just from being happy.
I keep thinking about going back to counselling again but I’ve had such bad experiences in the past it puts me off. And I don’t have the time to be going every week when I have two young kids at home. I had the same problem when I went back on to my medication. It took about 5 different tablets until I finally found one that works for me. The side effects I still struggle with on a daily basis but they’re easier to deal with than not being on anything at all.
I feel like I’m completely rambling and not making sense at all but there’s nothing new there I don’t normally make sense anyway but like I said writing all this down I’m hoping will help me and maybe even others and I would love that!