I have no idea where to start with this whole blog thing! It’s more for me to write down about my experiences as part of my counselling and maybe hopefully somebody might read it that experiences the same as me so then they might feel a little less alone. I’d love to be able to have people reach out to me through this and get to know new people who also suffer from anxiety and aspergers because I know first hand how lonely it can feel sometimes.
I’ve had a tough week this week but I hate telling people around me when I’m feeling anxious as it makes me feel weak and useless. I mean come on who is scared of people! All the hundreds of other things in the world to be scared of and I’m scared of something that you have to deal with on a daily basis.
On the aspergers side I struggle when it comes to loud noises. It’s hard to explain but clapping, screaming, car horns anything like that and I can instantly start to panic. It’s not something I can control. Tonight when I was getting the kids ready for bed they were being crazy and if you know my kids you would know they don’t do crazy by half’s! They were running around squealing, having fun but being so loud, I love seeing them so happy playing together just loving being kids but I had to step into the other room and cover my ears, take some deep breaths and recompose myself as the noise was getting to me. I don’t think anybody understands how hard that is and how much of a bad Mum it makes me feel like. My own babies who I love more than anything bringing me to the edge of a panic attack just from being happy.
I keep thinking about going back to counselling again but I’ve had such bad experiences in the past it puts me off. And I don’t have the time to be going every week when I have two young kids at home. I had the same problem when I went back on to my medication. It took about 5 different tablets until I finally found one that works for me. The side effects I still struggle with on a daily basis but they’re easier to deal with than not being on anything at all.
I feel like I’m completely rambling and not making sense at all but there’s nothing new there I don’t normally make sense anyway but like I said writing all this down I’m hoping will help me and maybe even others and I would love that!
I’m currently sat here writing this with a 18 month screaming like a mad man because he hates to be alone. My mums always reminding me that I was like that at his age, crying to the point that I’d make myself sick because I knew my mum would come and pick me up and give me cuddles. Jacob definitely takes after me in that respect (the poor thing) I’m constantly hoping that he won’t end up like me and grows up to have a normal childhood.
I hate using the world normal. To me normal is just another word for boring or average and that’s definitely what I want for either of my kids! And to be completely honest there is nothing “normal” about my kids in the slightest. Mia also known as little miss sassy pants is the most dramatic, funniest little girl you will ever meet. She never fails to make you laugh with her random little outbursts. She’s also the sweetest most caring little girl I know. Sure she has her moments who doesn’t but she knows if somethings wrong and gives cuddles and kisses to make you better. She is so gentle with her new baby cousin and just loves getting to hold her, she literally has the biggest smile on her face every time she sees her. She makes me so proud and I’m sure she’s going to grow up to be something like a nurse or maybe an actress, she definitely has the drama queen thing down to a tee.
And then there’s Jacob. He is just a ball of pure gorgeous, crazy energy. I literally have no idea where the hell he gets all his energy from he never sits still! He’s into everything constantly climbing on the furniture, he eats whatever he finds whether it’s edible or not he’s not fazed he’s up for a challenge and is naked about 90% of the time(definitely a guy thing) you can’t take your eyes off him for a second but he is just so god damn gorgeous and so cheeky. He looks up to his big sister so much and copies whatever she does. I’m so glad they have the relationship they do and hope they stay close as they grow up. It’s definitely not easy having 2 crazy, energetic kids so close in age but I wouldn’t change them for the world. To me they are perfect.
My earliest memory of feeling anxious is at my 5th birthday party. Everyone was sat in my back garden when my mum comes out with my birthday cake and of course everyone starts singing “happy birthday to you” all I can remember is everyone’s eyes on me just watching me and this feeling of panic came over me. I ran into the house crying hysterically and hid under my duvet. I remember just lying there wondering what had happened. For a child it’s a confusing feeling to come to terms with. I waited until everyone had left before I came back downstairs as I was too embarrassed for my friends to see me and was terrified they would all laugh at me.
I knew I was a bit different to the other kids at my school. Even though all I wanted more than anything was to join in and play with them there was something stopping me, not physically but mentally. Even now I still struggle with social situations and every conversation I have causes me anxiety. It’s hard to explain how exhausting it is when someone is talking to you and you have all different ways to respond going through your head. Do you carry on the conversation, try and be funny, maybe a bit of sarcasm to liven things up a bit or just nod and smile. I don’t always pick the right option and sometimes I can come across rude or ignorant and offend people, even though that’s the last thing that I want to do. I just want to fit in with people around me more than anything and feel a need to be liked by everyone. Maybe one day I will learn how to deal with social situations and bloom into a social butterfly but right now I’m still a socially awkward little caterpillar waiting to get out.
So me and the hubby have joined the national trust and are trying to make our way down the list of places to visit near us. Today we tried Sudbury Hall.
The kids were absolutely loving it especially Mia. She loves playing with other kids and I feel so guilty that she doesn’t get to play with others her own age very often. If you tell someone you’re going to the park you wouldn’t think it would cause someone so much stress and anxiety but believe me it does. Standing watching Mia make her way towards a group of children who are playing near their mums a feeling of complete dread and anxiety comes over me. The thought of being judged on my parenting or appearance overwhelms me. My palms get sweaty and my heart is beating like crazy. I just want to grab Mia and take her away from everyone but I don’t. I don’t want my daughter growing up afraid to talk to people or constantly worrying about what others think of her. Luckily she is nothing like me and is so outgoing! I’m ever so slightly jealous of how happy and carefree she is around others but so so proud. Jacob on the other hand is slightly more reserved around people he doesn’t know. We always call him our little koala bear because of how he cuddles up to you around strangers.
I’m trying to challenge myself to do more things like this for my kids as I don’t want them to miss out but I don’t want to push myself too hard and set myself back further. I know I can do this and my husband and kids are my complete inspiration. I will do it for them.
People always ask “what’s your favourite saying” well mine has to be “venture outside your comfort zone. The rewards are worth it.” So how come it’s so god damn hard to do?! I like my comfort zone, it feels safe and cosy but also so predictable and boring. Since having my 2 gorgeous babies the littlest tasks like shopping trips or just leaving the house has become a task I fear due to my anxiety but I am determined to overcome my fears not just for me but for my family who are my motivation everyday.